you can’t pick your family

I don’t really talk about Phi Mu Alpha that much.  I don’t work really hard to recruit people, I don’t like to keep random folks in the loop about what we’re up to, and I try not to fan-boy the fraternity too much in public.  I’m not saying that doing any of those things are wrong, they’re just not what I do.

I don’t like to recruit people.  When I first joined band, I really had one band friend, and she was in a different section than me.  I made friends with people I knew through her, but the first person I really branched out to meet was a pledge of Phi Mu Alpha.  I never really understood his random meetings or why he had to dressed up.  We were never really too close, but since he was a freshman he would take rides with me to parties and stuff whenever I would offer.  Eventually, he became one of my best friends.

That Spring semester, I had been toying with the idea of coming out to interview for the fraternity.  By that time, I knew most of the brothers, either through mutual friends or from band, and I genuinely liked all of them.  I had asked my friend if I should try to get into Sinfonia, and he said he didn’t know.  He left the decision entirely up to me, and tried not to sway my preference in either direction – only reminding me of the time constraint it would place on my semester (which honestly served to deter me from joining a little).

I was never “recruited” to join a fraternity.  What drew me to Sinfonia was a longing for brotherhood.  I had already consciously chosen the members as friends, and then I sought them out as brothers.  I couldn’t be happier with how it turned out.

That’s why I never really like to try to persuade people to join Sinfonia.  The chapter draws men to it that want to be a part, and if they’re accepted by the chapter, it’s a kind of mutual trust.  Probationary members have always meant more to me when we don’t have to drag them out to interviews or coax them to fulfill their obligations.

In this way, the chapter both chooses its new brothers, but so does the probationary member.  In my years as a part of this chapter, I have seen the brotherhood I wanted to be a part of, and I have also put through the brothers I would have in the future of the brotherhood.

On the Province level, though, everything is different.  Meeting brothers from other schools is inherently hit or miss.  I personally did not seek out the brothers from another chapter, just as they did not try to absorb me into their brotherhood.

I have a sibling brother, and my mother always told me that you don’t get to pick your family.  That’s completely true for Phi Mu Alpha, as well.  I didn’t choose the chapters in Province 39, and I didn’t choose what members they recruit, and they didn’t choose me or Epsilon Sigma, either… but I have yet to meet a fellow Sinfonian that I haven’t liked just the same.
I don’t recruit; I don’t choose anyone that doesn’t choose Sinfonia, first.  You can’t pick your family.

missing myspace (really.)

I don’t know how it works now, but there used to be something definitely comforting about Myspace.  Not bulletin surveys, although I’m sure i did at least a thousand.  Not the music on your home page, or layouts.  It was something shallower than all those things:  top friends.

It seemed insane at the time.  I don’t know if it was the cyber embodiment of our junior high insecurities, or just a fun way to show people you care.  It was political and competitive.  I know no one made it into my top 8 unless I was in their top 8.  I was catty – and even then, I had to make compromises to pick people I felt like I had to pick.

But I truly wasn’t too off-base, not really.  In retrospect, the people I put in my top 8 were still close friends.  I could pretty much depend on them to have my back or support me, no matter if they were 8th or first.  Sure, I’ve lost touch with them now, but it’s still a comforting idea… to be able to list your top friends.  The most reliable – the cream of the crop.

College takes that away from you.  You have your room mate, and for me, she is one of my closest friends, but anyone whose ever lived with a friend knows that the distinction changes.  I need to be able to talk to people about things I just can’t talk to her about.  So for that, we have other close friends.    We get out and socialize to fill the parts of our social lives that need different personalities.  In high school, you really didn’t have too much of a selection.  Cliques and groups formed mostly on common interest, and you put up with what you had to work with.

It makes more sense to live life away from such a confiding pool of ‘friends’ to choose from, but it’s a lot scarier.  You kind of have to wait for those “what are friends for?” moments to find out who has your back.  You don’t have a short list of 8 people you can go to when shit gets real.  I don’t have a number one friend that I trust with everything – I trust tons of people with different parts of me in hopes that they’ll wind up caring enough when I need one of them.

I guess it’s good we’re not in the Myspace age.  I would be completely unable to choose 8 friends to post above the rest these days…

…but wouldn’t it be nice to be able to log in to check if someone else cares that much about you??

I don’t care.

This has been one of the first semesters that I’ve honestly not cared even a little bit what people think about who I am.  I mean, I don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, I try to be polite, and I would obviously prefer to be liked… but I’m finding it easier to be myself.

I did the same thing as I was graduating high school.  When I went to the senior all-night party, I had a ton of fun.  I made friends with people I’d never talked to before; done stupid embarrassing stuff just for fun and laughs, and it was awesome.  I let go of all the resentment I had for those strangers that I didn’t even know why I had.  That summer was one of the best of my life, as I worked at summer camp – where you’re literally too on-stage all the time to have self-doubt.

It’s been weird to be back on stage in the semester.  As a student org president,  a leader in band, and as a senior in general, I feel like people know who I am… typically, I would have assumed that would cause added stress to my self-image, but it’s actually kind of nice.  I feel like the example I set of not caring what people think (at least of who I am) is an awesome thing for underclassmen to see.  I don’t want people to think I’m hard to approach, and I want everyone to see that you can have fun while still taking school, band, whatever, seriously.

I don’t even know why I write this stuff – it’s not like I’ve discovered some fundamental truth about the universe.  It’s not even that fun or entertaining.  /shrug

on success

I don’t remember how I learned to measure success.  According to Socrates, you can only learn by being taught, or discovering for yourself.

I guess that sort of means you judge yourself as you go.  From where I’m standing, looking back on everything I’ve done and been a part of in my life, I would say I am a success story.  I’m a good person with lots of good friends.  I do good work in school, at home, and in organizations I care about.

But at the same time, I don’t think I discovered my own success.

Twitter was trending the hastag #10peopleimgladimet or something today.  It had me thinking about all the people who have truly inspired and motivated me to be where I am.  Sunday school leaders, teachers, youth group leaders, friends in Scouting, my band directors in high school… and then suddenly I get to the college years.

After high school, my idea of success didn’t really change.  I never really took the time to measure it in my own terms – to reexamine my own opinions.  That’s one of the bravest things a person can do – question their own beliefs.

I drifted through high school learning by being taught.  Almost as soon as I started working camp for the first time after graduation, my learning because discovery.  I had always thought that success was GPA, involvement, service hours, and my friend count on facebook.  Now, I’m really not sure how to measure success, but I can recognize that I’m on the right track.

One fundamental thing that I have discovered about success, though, is that I truly can’t take any special recognition for my own success.  Yes, I do my own work, and I’m often self motivated, but the years in high school were an integral part of getting to a good solid, successful foundation to find my own version of success in college.

 

I think it works that way with everything.  Phi Mu Alpha, for example, is having an intensely successful semester already this year.  As president, I get a lot of praise for that success.  But when I step back at the end of the day, there are more people to thank than I could list.  In fact, I feel like I’ve personally done very little for my brothers this year.

There is so much positive energy around my life that it’s hard not to be successful.

This was kind of rambly.  I’m tired and I’ve been studying too much.

It’s PEANUT BUTTER, JELLY TIME.

Food means a ton of different things to a ton of different people.  Breaking bread with friends can make the difference between a good day and a terrible one.  

That up there is pretty much all I have to try to act deep; this is about peanut butter and jelly!

 

Okay, so I’ve been eating PBnJ for EVER, basically.  I had it for cold lunch every day in elementary school, it’s my favorite summer option for a lunch with some chicken noodle soup.  I ate it every time I got the munchies at summer camp, and anytime I don’t know what else to make in the middle of the night here at school.

It’s kind of like a favorite song to me.  Those songs you can hear, and it reminds you of the time of your life when you loved it, the people you were with, whatever was going on.

I feel the same way every time I struggle to smear jelly all over the back side of a piece of white.  I think about my mom, elementary school, my camp friends and our ne’er-doing.  

This was a silly post, but I’m trying to get back into it.  Sorry.

On Welfare

I don’t really get much in to politics, but since it’s an election year, everyone’s doing it.  

I’m a Libertarian, self-proclaimed.  I don’t really believe in a large government with lots of programs, sending people off to lands that have nothing to do with our country.  I don’t like spending, and I don’t like it when people tell me what to do.  As far as welfare goes, you would expect me to be against it, as a government handout that just costs money yada yada yada- but I’m really not – well, except for what it’s becoming.  

When I was a lad, I was in a youth group.  God was one of the biggest parts of my life – He’s somehow managed to be a pretty big part of my life lately – at least in the way I think.  The thing that most captivates me in my faith journey, as I’ve come to think of it, is the way Jesus actually lived.  I find it uniquely impressive that the term “christian” came about because people distinguished their peers by living LIKE Christ.  Pretty straightforward, and although I know it sounds corny, that’s the kind of Christian I strive to be.

In my youth group, we would take little “mission” trips to poor communities within the U.S.  Our favorite place to visit was Monessan, PA.  We came to play with their kids, paint whatever they wanted, help families move when they were in a pinch – whatever they needed at the time.  We ran into a couple people in really sticky situations, and it was amazing to see what tangled webs in which you can find yourself in life.  

Jesus always healed before he asked questions.  He let by example and showed that people what people in need truly need is a non-judgmental friend.  That’s the friend I have always tried to be.  Help first, ask questions later.

I guess my problem with the welfare system is that it’s the opposite of that.  On one side, I like that people who need extra help can reach out for that help when they need it.  On the other side, blindly throwing money at a situation has proven to put money toward frivolous things and I know I’m not the only one who gets irked when they see a family on welfare using facetime on their #teamiPhones.

A lot of states have been talking all year about requiring drug tests as another hurdle for welfare, and I’ll admit, that does seem to be a good way to ensure the money’s probably not going toward drugs… there’s something fundamentally contradictory about the nature of the tests. at least to me.  

Welfare should have a more personal aspect – if the government really cared, they’d stop throwing money at the problems like a child, and train people to get in there and actually help people, and it welfare seems that way.  It seems like it’s supposed to be the same kind of help that painting a house can be to a family who needs livable space, or hanging out with kids who need something to distract them.  Welfare is supposed to help out people when they need it most, right?  Isn’t that what we do in church; isn’t that what I learned on Sundays; isn’t that what I learned from Monessan.

 

I may have my standards for government a bit high, but Jesus never required a drug test.

Attainment

I’m a Slytherin.

 

========

 

I like being busy.  I think there’s something to be said for having ambition, and working towards your goals actively.  I think most people I know are really ambitious.  People just don’t go to college for fun.  Actually, most people I know don’t do what they think is fun most of the time.  Even burnout stoners have to have a job of some kind to fuel their fun. 

But I like to be busy with stuff that I know doesn’t really affect my ambitions.  I want to have a successful career, and I want to find my soulmate; I want to have what everyone wants to have.  Lately, though my goals have been really short sided.  I haven’t been ready to focus more than enough to get through college – I think a lot of people are like that.  When you’re in high school, it seems scary to choose your career path and go off to school.  No one tells you the far scarier prospect of having a degree and not knowing where to go after that.  It even tests the career path you chose in high school.  Step one, get degree… check.  Step two isn’t quite as clear… especially for me.

I do things to keep busy that have nothing to do with what I want.  In fact, sometimes it’s like I actively procrastinate against doing things I know I would love to have done.  I want to lose weight, I want to learn piano; hell, I want to say I’ve beaten Skyward Sword, but I honestly just don’t.  I just don’t do any of those things.
It’s not because I don’t know how.  It’s not because I don’t know step one, or step two.  I just don’t.

I think we’re always sitting in a life where we’re waiting for the future to come.  No one expects to be in the part of their life when a major lifestyle change happens.  I don’t even think it’s that people dislike change.  I honestly just don’t expect it – maybe it’s just me.  I don’t expect friends to be diagnosed with serious diseases; I’m just not in the part of my life where I know people that happens to.  I’m not in the part of my life where I deal with insecurities; I just expect to be unhappy about them sometimes. 

 

I just can’t see myself in the point of my life when the next part happens.  I love being busy, and I work pretty dilligently at what I know I’m supposed to be doing.  It’s just hard to be in a mindset that the future you dream of is attainable. 

I think it is a mindset, though.  Attainment, by definition, is the act of achieving something.  You have to take it. 

The future isn’t a right.  Your future isn’t inevitable.  Life is more than going through the motions.

It’s there.  Take it.